Malta 2008 – Tourist Summary                              

Just before the dust settles let us reflect on the marvel that was Malta 2008. In a way it was a normal tour - where everyone hit the shit out of it, we won the rugby went on the pull (unsuccessfully!) and generally just had a laugh, but it was also a tour where a few of the lads, ahem, found a new direction to there lives and a few of them even found their soul mates!

Tourist by Tourist Performance Summary

Name: Mark Letton
Sponsor: Eurobond doors – “quality you can walk into!”
AKA: Mark Two Buses, Mark Door Butter
Comments: Letton avoided embarrassment on the first morning by quickly sorting out the bus situation. After that he ran the tour superbly, his kitty work was second to none. I don’t think he’ll be asked to arrange another one though after embarrassing incidents involving a DJ box and a door. Had a higher than average shite joke count.

Name: Marc Foley
Sponsor: Strongbow, Magners & Woodpecker
AKA: Coach Foley, Triggers Mate
Comments: Couldn’t have been an easy tour for Marc – seeing half the team he’s moulded into solid promotion winning contenders turn gay in front of his very eyes. Too get over it he drank ludicrous amounts of Cider and Malibu, but you could tell the pain was still there. He even had to leave his original room because of Franny’s homosexual antics!

Name: Colin Morgan
Sponsor: SAGA
AKA: Moggsy
Comments: Was a surprise on tour but you always had a feeling that this Wiley veteran had it in him. He kept up with the youngsters with ease and was the cultured one on tour – he took a book with him! He picked out some lovely zig zagged lines – not on the pitch but walking up the main street on the way back to the hotel on the last day! Needed a massage to relieve his aching bones after the rugby – but didn’t trust any of the gay feckers he was on tour with to do it!

Name: Colin Colver
Sponsor: Cabbage Patch Nursery
AKA: P. File, Gordon Brittas
Comments: Apart from leaving tour a day early and messing up my squash court booking, it was as you’d expect, a stirling effort from Gordon. Lots of drinking and drooling over anything in a skirt. Stayed the course with ease and even made his St. Josephs debut after being at the club for 22 years. Just wouldn’t leave those kids alone!

Name: Jason Goodridge
Sponsor: Alcoholics Anymous & Cisk
AKA: Mini Dolph
Comments: Slightly quieter than usual down to bad guts. Problem is Jason’s quiet is about five times louder than everyone else. Made sure Reggie stunk of (even more) p!ss on the first night, tried to choke Walby by the pool (can’t remember what with!!) scared Ting Tong, threatened to smash a pensioner, pole danced with his socks on and chucked webby in a water feature. Also he caused Franco/Welsh relations to hit an all time low when he knocked out a couple of frogs! For all our sakes I hope he’s not this quiet next tour!!

Name: Sean Egan
Sponsor: Childline-“One call will help you get through if your Brothers turn gay”
AKA: The only straight in the family, Sheegan
Comments: Handled his birthday treats with ease. Like Foley, this couldn’t have been an easy tour for poor Sean – finding out that both your brothers like to indulge in chocolate starfish entry – I think the upset even put him off his food - Somebody told me that on one occasion he didn’t go super size with any of his seven Big Mac meals. Poor dab!

Name: Luke Egan
Sponsor: Frosties – “They’re Grrreat” & Australia Zoo
AKA: Suki, Steve Irwin
Comments: Actually this wasn’t a tour for Steve – it was a tour of duty- where he had to deal with things like Tigers, Sharks and Dormant One Eyed Trigger Snakes – never did find that elusive Dolphin though and got Croc blocked by a 7 year old and c0ck blocked by a ginger! He took his role as Heath Ledger in Broke Back Mountain very seriously and he averted disaster on the first night when he nearly shat his pants, luckily there was an open window nearby!

Name: James Egan
Sponsor: That Pizza place in Paceville he now works for!
AKA: Colesy’s Fella, Jamal Sheegan
Comments: Superb effort from the youngster. Doubts over him handling the drinking were unfounded. He even out did both his Bro’s in the eating department – well he needed to keep up his energy for what Colesy had in store for him! Good to see a youngster getting off his @rse and getting a job on tour as well!

Name: John Parry
Sponsor: Franny Sprudd – “I’ll do anything for my lover”
AKA: Parrymore, Franny’s Fella
Comments: A complete S1ut! The way he went behind Franny’s back with Jamal, promised him the world and then went back to Franny was a disgrace – He was even seen having a go with Biggsy on the bus on the way home!! Didn’t even make any effort on the pitch and just shied out of everything!!! Managed 12 minutes sleep all tour.

Name: James Walby
Sponsor: Pampers
AKA: Parrot Mouth
Comments: Was the victim of the first Golden shower of tour, but soon got his own back on nearly everyone including people’s beds and in the end that’s probably what gave him the closest run TOT award in recent history. Scored a lovely dropped goal, would have been two if it wouldn’t have got stuck in the sky. He will never make the Welsh P’s & S’s or spoof teams! Got intimate with Dolph by the pool….Oh yeah and our James is a gay man now!! Did nothing for Welsh/American relations when he refused the advances of a Yankee midget! Looked fetching in a nappy though!!

Name: Julian Hamilton
Sponsor: Clive Ranger – “The Ring Specialist”
AKA: The Middle Earthian, The Hobbit, Elijah
Comments: Took the gayness on tour very seriously, even popped to Brighton as soon as we got back. Babysat well for Webby and was disgusted at the way Reggie kept waking him up. The dirty little Hobbit didn’t shower all tour. He’s been a pr1ck since he made Green Street!

Name: Franny Sprudd
Sponsor: SJPD (St. Julians Police Department)
AKA: Parrymore’s Bitch, Hollisos’ Fella!
Comments: This tour was Franny’s Gay Pride! His love affair with Parrymore flourished until the Sunday night and then they took to a bit of swinging and the relationship went sour – turned worse when Franny necked the entire cast of the Maltese Bill (The Billos I think it’s called?....Mikey??). Scared Coach Foley out of his room. 

Name: Darren Biggs
Sponsor: Still on last years sponsors- Country Wide Free Range Eggs & Biffa Bins
AKA: Milf’s eldest, Bigglesworth, Eggy
Comments: Rightfully won MOM. Only dabbled in the homosexuality that was going on – once on the dance floor with a lad who gave him his bandana to remember him by and once on the bus on the way home with the tour Slut! He did try with Ting Tong but he/she turned him down (Don’t worry Biggsy – his/her cock was far too big for your young arse!!) Not a Wheelie bin in site! 

Name: Mikey Wilson
Sponsor: Teflon
AKA: Prof. Michelleos Wilsonos
Comments: I think you’ll all agree that there is no way that we’d have got through this tour without our resident translator. On a serious note his handling skills were atrocious and his weight lifting in Empire that one night was shocking!! Also upset a fat bird that Reggie was about to get into! 

Name: Robbie Jones
Sponsor: The Royal One Handed Catching Club of Malta
AKA: Wobbie
Comments: Lasted the pace well – I don’t think he got caught ditching on this tour, which by his standards is a great achievement! Looked after Coach Foley well after he had to evacuate his room because of Franny’s behaviour. To be fair Robbie was possibly the illest I’ve ever seen anyone look during the match and went off making poor old Moggsy take his place.

Name: Gareth Paul
Sponsor: MAF Construction
AKA: Trigger, Coaches Pet, Twat!
Comments: Has probably cemented his place in the boiler house for the firsts next season – not because of his performance but because Foley likes him so much after this tour. Was the second most cultured on this tour – he drank a bottle of wine without 7up in it!! In no way Gay, the Trigger snake remained dormant no matter how much the boys played with it!!

Name: Robbie Coles
Sponsor: Doobies R Us & HM Customs and Excise
AKA: Nick Cotton, Jamal’s Bitch, Clifford
Comments: He’s massive!! Could often be found strutting his stuff on a dance floor or round a pole (or was she Czech?) He and Jamal were involved in the greatest love story ever told – I reckon that with the amount he eats, a few dinner dates with him Rob and you may end up the same size as him!! What was that Funny smell in his room?!?!

Name: Alan Webb
Sponsor: Google
AKA: WWW. The Web, Webby
Comments: Webby was the tour encyclopaedia, anything you needed to know you just consulted the Web; unfortunately it got a virus on the final day and just crashed. Started the tour by nicking a litter bin from a service station before going swimming in a night club’s water feature. Also decided he didn’t want to score a try, so after crossing the line put the ball down American football styley! Inexcusably ate a kebab with a knife & fork but did stick by Reggie when he got blown out by a warthog. Like his room mate the dirty bastard opted out of showering on this tour! 

Name: Rhys Nicholas
Sponsor: Sea World & The Thai Palace
AKA: Reggie, Ting Tongs Bitch, Ginger Alarm Clock
Comments: Developed a dolphin fetish, stunk more of piss than usual on the first night, early to bed the second night after getting stitched up in P’s & S’s, snogged every bird in Malta the next night (but apparently blowing kisses don’t count!)  Also got blown out by a Russian Bulldog licking piss off a thistle. Fell in love with a beautiful Thai called Ting Tong (….sorry Coach Foley I mean Peter!).