The Joy of Dolphins An insight to the mind of Rhys Nicholas!!!
The ‘Dorm 2009
September the 24th see’s Jason Goodridge take us on a cultural tour of the historic and elegant Spanish city of Benidorm. We’ll be staying in superlative accommodation famed for it’s class and elegance it‘s a tenner a night but you‘ve just got to splash out some times. There’ll be visit’s to famous landmarks like the Square - a quaint area where people meet to socialise, have a scrap, spue up, get a kebab and maybe visit one of the hostelries available there - preferably the one with the buy one get six free offers on.
At night time the culture vultures in the party will go to see such renowned show’s as Sticky Vicky, Sexy Veronica and the best Meat Loaf tribute act on the Med’ - Pete Loaf. Other’s will simply take in a few litres of the local brew, chuck some shapes out in one of the many ballrooms in the area and indulge in their passion for bird watching, some may even try to catch one but if past experiences are anything to go by - few will be successful - you see unfortunately too much of the local brew may make members of the party a bit rowdy so the locals, most of whom speak in a cockney accent are best advised to lock up there daughters, sorry I forgot about Malta , best lock up your sons as well!
( NOTE TO BENIDORMIANS READING THIS: You are not Josef Fritzl, we are only there for four nights, let them out once we leave!!)
There will also be excursions to local points of interest. Why not take one of Benidorm’s early morning (4am) taxi rides to one of the many brothels in the city? You can then be made to wait whilst the meter’s running and the taxi driver yaps to his mates - even have a ride of the taxi yourself. All this is rounded off by a free punch in the face.
As this is Jason’s Bachelor party (Stag Do’s are far to common for a classy place like Benidorm!) he has invited all comers to try and humiliate him/make him feel uncomfortable.
All applications of what exactly to do to him are to be sent ,along with a crisp twenty pound note and a bottle of Jack Daniels to best man Robert Coles, who will have the final decision. I personally think we should have a whip round, drug him and pay a gay Portuguese sailor called Massimo to kidnap him, take him aboard his boat and use him as a sex slave until a week before the wedding. I know it’s a bit obvious and probably all been done before but that’s just my opinion.
Whatever happens I’m sure this band of intrepid travellers will ensure that Jason gets sent into the dreaded world of married life in true style!
5-9-09 - The Credit Crunch
As you may all be aware there is a bit of a recession on at the moment and to be fair it’s beginning to do my head in a bit. Ok so the birds who have lost there cushdy banking jobs are now offering cut price blow jobs around the back of Lidl’s in order to fund the cocaine habit that they developed when times were good, but it’s not all positive! All the banks have crashed, the pound has plummeted, interest rates are at an all time low and most importantly is that as I write this I am sat in shithole digs in Pembroke fucking Dock!
All because my last company decided that due to the current economic climate that they couldn’t afford to fund the wages of a useless pissy ginger twat, sorry I mean top chemist anymore. Fair play I never was what you’d call a workaholic-a busy day for me was having to make more than one cuppa myself and not having a forty winks in the ‘Dame Tanni Grey suite‘!
So as Jade Goody mentioned in his ‘Writers Block’ (And yes - it was ‘Wankers Cramp!!‘) column I was cast onto the scrapheap of life. I was now a dole bum -my only joy in life was giro day when I’d queue outside the job centre in Cowbridge Road whilst drinking home made cocktails of White Lightning, Breaker and Toilet Duck. Once I got my cash I’d stop at Canton Libs and blow it all on cut price bitter and playing pool for money with my fellow doleys, then on my way home I’d pop into the wheely bin at the back of Tescos for my dinner (Even that was a big risk, I mean one minute I could be drinking the dregs from a discarded tin of beans, the next I could be getting pushed down the street by Biggsy!!) I couldn’t afford the simple things in life like toilet paper, toiletries, my subscription to Television X - all things that I’d taken for granted.
Luckily, just as I was beginning to smell like Ritchie Mac‘s rancid under carriage, I got offered a job interview. So I borrowed some money for a bar of soap, nicked a suit off a tramp, scrubbed up and went to the interview. Three months later they said I could work for them in fucking Pembroke. Now I’m not saying it’s a bad old place, it’s just that there’s nothing going on here. I mean in Canton I’m used to the sound of traffic, sirens and arguements as I nod off - here all I can hear is sheep baa’ing as I’m lying in bed. - seriously, it’s not easy sleeping with a rock on!! I’m not knocking it though-that’s about the only nightlife there is!!
That Ray Gravell was full of shit - ‘West is Best’ my fucking arse it is. Boys next time you’re up the valleys playing in the arse end of nowhere count yourself lucky you’re not down here - at least you’re only 45min from Cardiff!!
2009-2010
Good luck this season to the 1’s & 2’s, and also to the youth who I believe are being coached by the dream partnership of Mr Miagee and Richard Charles Biston. (Token oriental and vertically challenged coaches for the club!)
I hope to be around in some capacity - either as Parky’s chaperone, Don’s counsellor, Colesy’s anger management officer, Biggsy’s best friend (so I can go around his house for tea and see his mum!) -Not ‘cos I really give a shit about any of you- It’s just so I can wangle international tickets-which is going to be a lot more difficult this year as I cannot blackmail Tumo anywhere near as easily as I could Mr Brittas so I need to do some brown nosing!! 21-4-09 'Writers Block' Many apologies to those of you that so generously shelled out your £2 just to read ‘Reggies’ words of wisdom. As you may already know the useless fecker has been cast aside by his employer and thrown on the Scrap heap of life. The man that so often entertains us with his renditions of his favourite number while gleefully showing all that will look his tangerine candy floss has taken the news very badly, his confidence has been knocked completely and as a result he’s developed what is quite commonly known as ‘Writers Block’ (he strenuously denies the fact that due to the amount of time he has on his hands he is unable to write because of ‘w@nkers cramp’). Things have become so bad he couldn’t even be inspired to write about Walshy’s antics at the weekend!!
To try and reduce your feeling of emptiness and loss at this sad time I have dug up from the dim and distant past a couple of old profiles that were penned by ‘the one that stinks of urine’!
Name: Robert Jones AKA: Wobbie
Don’t mention: His drop goal attempts or his putting in skills.
Sponsored By: Listerine Mouthwash for Healthy Gums
Comments -When coming to write a piece on Robbie I was stuck – It’d be all to obvious to mention his teeth (Or lack of them) and his habit of gifting sides with interception tries or the fact that he’s scared to do contact in training, so I won’t mention them.
No, I thought who better to describe him than the man himself: -
Hello, my name is Wobbie Jones and I play my wugby at scwum half. I sometimes play winger or fullback because I’m quite a good wunner. I never play in the forwards at positions like pwop or second wow because my wucking and ball wetention is wubbish.
I play for St. Josephs because they play an exciting bwand of wunning wugby and have some exciting players such as Wonnie, Gaweth Wevell, Jason Goodwich and Cwissy Thomson. They also have some good forwards like Dawwen Jones, Wichard Young and Cwissy Lewis.
I still feel I can improve my wugby ability – our hooker Weggie says that my putting the ball in the scwum skills are wubbish – one time I think it was against Whiwbina or it might have been against Bawwy, the weferwee had to show me how to put the ball in the scwum stwaight – it was quite embawwassing
I also have a tendency to attempt dwop goals – they’re usually wubbish attempts and hardly get off de gwound. On the plus side though I’ve got a lovely weverse pass on me. After a hard game of wugby I enjoy a good dwink – not too much though has I have been known to become quite wowdy (especially if I’m with Wichard Coles).
I can afford to dwink and paint the town wed because of all the money I save on toothpaste and dental floss. My favourite pubs in town used to be Wosie O’ Bwiens and the Wat and Cawwat but now they’ve both been either closed down or wefurbished so I go to the Gween Pawwot. Anyway I must be off, I’ve got to go twaining. Thank you Robbie for that brutally honest account of your rugby life. Name: Ronald Hudd AKA: Ronnie
Don’t Mention: Not being allowed to play in the forwards.
Sponsored By: Hyundai and The Canine Defence League
Comments - Ronnie is our flying winger with an attitude. A quiet lad off the pitch – but on it he’s a bit of a psycho, he once ruined video evidence of one of our players getting a shoeing because he was there taking about ten blokes out Kung Fu style.
He wants to play in the forwards so he get more involved but the coaches have decided that that’s too risky and he’ll keep out of trouble on the wing (yeah like F*!@)!!)
Not a lot of people know this but Ronnie is actually a Korean international. That’s where he gets his fantastic physique from – the Korean RFU have put him on a strict diet. Here’s an example of his daily menu: -
Breakfast: Yorkshire Terrier (Can be replaced with a Westie or a poodle)
Lunch: Any medium size terrier (E.g. Staff or English Bull)*
Tea: A large (ish) type dog such as a Collie or an Airedale
*-If really hungry at lunch eat a Very large dog such as a Great Dane, St. Bernard or a Mastiff and Skip Tea. NB · On the day before a match replace lunch with a Whippet and tea with a Greyhound – VERY important for wingers to build up their speed. (As a side effect of this you may find yourself chasing rabbits)
· If you do need a snack, stick to very small dogs such as Chihuahua’s.
So there you have it – A very strict diet that he has to stick to, to perform to the highest levels, just an example of one of the sacrifices an international superstar rugby player like Ronnie has to make. Other players are advised not to try it though as it makes you feel a bit ruff. 11-4-09 Interviewing the Legends
I was excited as hell when I was asked by the editor of this program to interview a legend, but when I found out I would be interviewing two legends at the same time I almost creamed my lucky briefs! Don & Parky – or Hip Replacement & Gall Bladder as they are affectionately known - are legends in the eyes of many at St. Josephs RFC despite never playing a game in the Auld Gold and Chocolate.
The Interview
Reg: So how can a couple of old gits like you last the pace the way you do?
Parky: Drugs! As you well know I was in the world famous 60’s band – ‘Parky and His Band’ and we used to tour up and down the UK I popped so many pills I was fcuking rattling. I think they must still be in my system.
Don: Fitness. I had so much sex in my younger days I’m an athlete. That type of fitness just don’t wear off. Innit look! Whoosh.
Reg: Do you still partake in that sort of thing?
Don: I still try; I must admit I do have trouble getting the old fella to stand to attention sometimes after a drink. (Don’t we all!-RN) Whoosh!!!
Parky: I think Barry should help us there. He’s already on for clubman of the year – I mean he’s done a great job getting in a good Jukebox, brought in Clarke’s Pies and he employs stunning barmaids – how about selling Viagra over the bar?
Reg: Good idea there Raymondo but if the players get hold of them the already rampant gayness in the squad will escalate. You could have to show a bus pass to obtain them but Bappa, Jerry and the boys would probably get banned from the bowls league! Now, you’ve both been on some great tours but what were your favourite moments?
Don: Definitely brake dancing with a tramp in Newcastle. He wasn’t expecting to get upstaged by a sixty year old! Something happened to me in Liverpool as well……..
Parky: Don’t say anymore Don you know the score what goes on tour………………….
Don: Whoosh!!!!
Parky: Although Goodridge molesting Pete Loaf was quite funny. Also impersonating that gay Jeremy Beadle look-alike in Benidorm was a laugh. “I got sunshiiiiine……….”
Reg: What’s the best chat up line you’ve ever used/had used on you?
Parky: I actually used mine on that barmaid who was leaving the other week – I just went up to her and buried my head in her over ample cleavage. You could tell she just wanted to jump on me, but I’m a married man- she was gutted. (She is Human Parky!-RN)
Don: When I was a bouncer – Don the Door they used to call me – a bird come up to me and said “Don the Door, will you break me in?” That’s the best I’ve heard, worked as well, bled everywhere she did innit! Whoosh!!!!
Reg: So what brought you to St. Josephs?
Don: Jason Smith, but the Cissie’s retired now so I struggle for a lift home on a Saturday night. I’ve put in for one of them mobility scooters so watch this space! Whoosh!!!!
Parky: Nicky Mcgrath but since he’s gone I stayed up the Jo’s to try and coach them on the singing front. Apart from Bisty it’s a lost cause – they’re bleedin’ hopeless.
Don: A singing team is one thing we ain’t! “Roll a roll a roll a roll a…………”
Reg: Now I know both of you are in your later years and have both had health scares of late – what do feel about the rumour that Jason Goodridge is running a book on which one of you will go first?
Parky: That’s sick. What a C#!* he turned out to be.
Don: Never did like that Maesteg Tw@t! You’ve probably had a bet though haven’t you?
Reg: Let’s just say I thought Parky was going to lose me a lot of money a few months back!! Anyone else up the club you don’t like?
Don & Parky (Together) Chinky!!
Parky: What a tosser!
Don: He’s a F’ing Shitehawk.
Reg: I think you’re being a bit harsh there lads. Who’s your heroes of St. Josephs RFC?
Parky: Elvis. I mean he’s older than me and Don and he’s still playing! How many drugs did he drop in the 60’s that’s what I want to know?!?!
Don: No one you’re all a bunch of Cissies who wouldn’t have lasted two minutes at Cardiff Northern or Llanedyn when I played. Whoosh!!!!
With that Parky broke into a rendition of the banana boat song, Don went off to tell the coaches what they’re doing wrong and the interview was over. I do have to say it was a real privilege! 4-4-09 St Josephs RFC Supports Comic Relief 2009
Comic relief has been and gone but I would just like to inform everyone of the auction that that was held at the club in aid of this great charity event.
Everything must go in this once in a lifetime sale to end all sales – grab yourself a bargain and do your bit for a load of peckish Africans at the same time!
Lot 1 - Teddy bears A box of assorted teddy bears recently been thrown out of St Josephs RFC senior players’ prams. In the end the lot was shared and amongst the delighted takers were Suki and Kieron who’d recently lost theirs.
Lot 2 – Viagra 1 box of 24. There was stiff competition for this lot!! It attracted a lot of attention from the St Josephs bowls team but they were left disappointed as Don, with fresh cash from his new job as bouncer on the door of a tuck shop, stumped up the money and his Mrs was left delighted.
Lot 3 – Parky’s Gall Bladder 1 gall bladder approx 65 years old, recently removed from owner, some stones so may rattle a bit. Another lot that was dealt with great interest. It was nip and tuck between two mystery telephone bidders before Barry Patterson came in with a last minute bid to gazump them. What does he want with a gall bladder? (Nice curry the other day by the way Baz!)
Lot 4 - Bungy’s Crusty Y fronts 1 pair covered in shit. That’s right these were the exact same pants that Bungy Shat himself in all those years ago on the way to an away game in Caldicot. We expected interest in such a piece of Jo’s history to be huge but unfortunately it didn’t reach its reserve price so they will now be taken to another auction especially for collectors. (Either that or we’ll flog them to Elvis who couldn’t make this auction).
Lot 5 – Reggies Pubes 1 bush of candyfloss, tangerine, some lice. Ritchie Elliot was willing to spend big on this lot to glue onto his bald patch, unfortunately though they weren’t the colour he was looking for. In the end Chinky, who’s been obsessed with them for ages, got them at a bargain price!
Lot 6 – A Photograph of Mrs Biggs 1 photograph, signed. This attracted furious bidding from all the boys the prices were getting ridiculous when in the end Darren Biggs stepped in to buy it in order to preserve family dignity.
Lot 7 – A Photograph of Enright’s Sister 1 photograph, signed. This attracted furious bidding from all the boys the prices were getting ridiculous when in the end Matthew Enright stepped in to buy it in order to preserve family dignity.
Lot 8 – A Flipper the Dolphin Box Set on DVD Every episode plus the feature length films. Everyone expected Reggie to spend big on this one and he tried but was beaten by some surprisingly determined bidding from Marc Foley – he’s obviously more dedicated to his dolphin fetish than I give him credit for!
Lot 9 – Queer as folk box Set on DVD Full two series of the hit Ch4 production. As to be expected this attracted some fierce bidding from the senior squad who in the end decided to pool their resources and have it on a time share basis – 10 months at Franny’s, 2 months at everyone else’s!
Lot 10 – A Coaching Session with Don Rowlands 1 session, mostly theory. After the success of his emergency coaching clinic on the bus coming home from Brynithel, Don had decided to offer his services to others for the sake of charity. Some fierce bidding ensued between a bloke that looked like Tumo and Martin Johnson. Johnson won in the end as he seemed more desperate. Don was last seen at Twickers calling Andrew Sheridan and Phil Vickery a pair of cissies!!
Lot 11 - Wonderwoman Outfit 1 Outfit, some skid marks in pants. No real interest in this one but John Parry decided to bid at the last minute. When asked about it he said: “I usually dress as Batman when I’m on a Fathers For Justice demonstration, but why can’t there be a Transvestite FFJ protester?”
Lot 12 – Elle McPhearson’s Sports Bra 1 bra, slightly sweaty. A lot of pervs wanted this one but in the end Leon Sweet used his Student loan to secure it. The white man with the black man’s name said - “I’ve got a game next week and this will keep my knockers in place a lot better than the one I’ve got, which I think is a bit small.”
Lot 13-A Lollipop Man’s Outfit 1 outfit plus Lollipop. There was a whole register of people who wanted this – a lot of bids came by post from Cardiff prison. In the end though Colin Colver turned up with a wad of Austrian Euros, given to him by his good friend and mentor Joseph Fritzl, and outbid everyone.
Lot 14- Dancing Class with Daffydd ‘UFC’ Addicot 1 Lesson. Everyone from Matt Dawson to David Brent turned up at the club for this one. The cost escalated to silly proportions. In the end Michael Jackson used his millions to buy it. “I originally only turned up at the club for lot 13, but when I saw this I couldn’t resist - it’ll give me a new lease of life ahead of my forthcoming tour. Shamore Muther Fcuker!” (Oh yeah, Biggsy – that was a real chimp he had with him, not a man in a suit!!) 7-3-09 I Was There…..
It truly was one of those occasions that over the years you can tell the grandkids about and let them know – “I was there”
The occasion in question was, of course, The 2007 Merseyside Wheely Bin Grand Prix. It was the day a youngster from Splott defied all the odds and galloped away with the prestigious title. Mr Darren “Eggy” Biggs hails from the Splott area of Cardiff and first got into the sport of wheely bin racing when one evening in 2003 at the tender age of fifteen he got chased by a gang of gypos whilst putting the rubbish out as a favour to his gorgeous mother. It was at that moment he realised that he had real talent. The next four years were tough and were spent honing his special talent and making a lot of sacrifices (such as women) which is what you’d expect from a supreme athlete.
Fast Forward to the early hours of Sunday May 27th 2007 and Darren was hours away from the race of his life – four years hard graft all boiled down to this. He was outside a drinking establishment in Liverpool at about 4am and disaster struck – A car full of youths turned up and pelted Biggs right on the shoulder with a barrage of eggs, putting all his work and preparation into disarray. Some people think that it was an unprovoked attack, others reckon it was a case of mistaken identity, others think it was his wheely bin competitors trying to “take him out.” Me? – well it’s never been proven but I personally think it was part of the Scouser Mafioso efforts to eliminate him from the big race as part of an illegal betting ring. Biggs woke up early on the Sunday, about to attend an emergency press conference to explain the incident and to confirm that the eggs had caused untold damage and that he was to pull out of the Grand Prix – his dreams in tatters.
On going downstairs and into the lobby he noticed his fans, hardly able to contain their excitement about their hero’s prospects – It was at that point that he decided to put his near death experience to one side and just go for it - no boy from Splott with a mother that sexy would ever let his fans down!!
And it was those ecstatic fans who roared him on that Sunday afternoon as he glided along the Streets of Liverpool, big purple wheely bin in hand, smelling slightly of egg and wearing woman’s attire. There was no sign of the mental anguish that the earlier atrocities that he’d suffered must’ve been causing him. By the end his competitors were nowhere to be seen, they’d suffered a real hiding and to save them from being embarrassed even more the police were asked to stop Darren. And with that the title of Merseyside Wheely Bin Grand Prix Champion 2007 was his - It was a real underdog story! And I was there!!!
Darren “Eggy” Biggs - the peoples champion!
(Just keep an eye on him around your Mrs!!) 21/2/09 A Rough Guide To….
We at St. Joes are lucky enough to have our club situated in an area where theres many restaurants. If you fancy eating at one of these then you can read a review in the local newspaper or look online at a related website to see what other people think of it before deciding whether or not to go. Also in the vicinity of the club are quite a few Br0thels- but unfortunately there is no such service provided for these establishments…………until now that is! Myself and a friend decided to go around three of the most popular knocking shops in the area and see what’s what and what each one offers the modern day randy (and single of course) Joes player. After all, with the credit crunch on you really do need to be getting the best you can for your hard earned cash.
Executive Sauna, Whitchurch Rd. I’d heard big things about this place, so was dying to try it out for myself. So one Monday night I decided to give it a go. I got off to a bad start as soon as I went into the place – telling the eighteen stone Madam that I chose her, I didn’t know she was just there to take the money and hand out the towels and I’m sure she charged us extra because of this. Once we were there and stumped up the cash my mate chose a cheeky looking blonde bird called Olga, I went for a Raven Haired looking minx called Tatiana. I have to say as soon as we got to the room she started doing my head in – ok so she was kidnapped from her family in Belarus, trafficked across Europe along with nine other birds in the boot of a Skoda Estate and is now being imprisoned and used as a sex slave but she shouldn’t bring her problems to work with her, miserable cow. I mean, she just wasn’t getting into it and when she started crying I almost stopped and asked for my money back. I wish I would have – that’s the problem with us British, we just don’t complain enough. (Although I have a good mind to send a letter of complaint to her pimp). As soon as I’d finished I was ushered out the door and that was that. My mate reported a similar situation with Olga. Very disappointing indeed and my advice is only go to this place if extremely desperate. (And I’m talking two arms in plaster so you can’t do it yourself here mind) 2/10 – Would have been lower if it wasn’t for the foxy Madam on the door.
A1, Crwys Rd. After Monday’s debacle I was keen to have a positive brothel experience. So I skipped training and went to A1. My mate was first in line, paid and picked out another blonde, whose name escapes me. She had a bit of a turn in her eye and teeth so big she could eat an apple through a tennis racket (and she was the best looking one there!). I was next, but disaster – they wouldn’t accept my credit card so I had to wait in the reception area with all the prozzies laughing at me. I was gutted! My mate reported that Goofy wasn’t half bad – once you got over the looks she was quite a game girl, which is always a plus in her line of work. 5/10 – Although ‘up for it’ the staff were dog ugly and for an establishment in this day and age not to accept American Express is just plain silly.
The one on Woodville Rd, Can’t remember the name. By now I was getting a bit fed up of this task already – so I really wasn’t up for this. Luckily we’d saved the best ‘til last. They take all major credit cards, cash and cheque. They even give you a receipt which is handy if you’re on expenses. When you go in they have a menu for you to study over a beer. They offer everything and anything – including all sizes and colours, grannies, midgets, twins, Siamese twins, sheep -no Dolphins though! (I did ask!) I played it safe and went for a twenty eight and a half stone lovely called Heidi – a bit of a bonus was that she’d represented the USSR in the 1973 European athletics championships at shot putt and wore her bronze medal throughout. I won’t go into detail as this is a family programme, let’s just say you could tell that she was an athlete. I even left a tip. My mate had nothing but good things to say about the midget Siamese twin ewes he’d chosen either. All this was rounded off by a nice relaxing soak in a hot tub. This establishment really does offer you the complete knocking shop experience in the centre of Cardiff; it costs a bit more than the other two - but you get what you pay for! 9/10 – Would have been the perfect ten, but for some suspicious looking floaty things in the hot tub. 10/1/09 - St. Josephs RFC New Years Resolutions
I’ve received a number of E-mails from people letting me know what their resolutions are for the New Year.
Here are the pick of them: -
Luke in Roath has promised to stop shitting out of windows and to stop snogging ginger men. On top of this he is undertaking a strict fitness regime, which he has already started by only smoking Lambert Lights.
John from the bay and Darren in Splott have both decided to walk properly this year and stop limping like a couple of bad boys. On Top of this Darren has decided it is high time he stopped hitting on other peoples girlfriends he’s also gonna bring his mother down the club more often!! John has decided that once again he’s going to don his Super Hero outfit and go onto the roof of Buckingham Palace (FFJ!!)
A Mr Miagiee in Fairwater has written in telling me that in 2009 he’s going to try and stop being such a Sh!tehawk? (Whatever that means!)
Mark of Roath has promised to stop having to many to drink and walking into things / falling off things and causing deep cuts to his head area.
Richard in Adamstown has vowed to get a new passport this year. He’s also vowed not to give this one to a man in a dress in return for sexual favours!! On top of this he’s decided that he’s going to use soap when he washes and to stop eating so much.
Francis in Fairwater has agreed (reluctantly) that 2009 is the year he MUST stop allowing men (especially policemen) to put their toja’s in his bum. (In fact I had many e-mails of this nature)
Reginald in canton has e-mailed me telling me that he has decided to give up fat women and dolphins. He says they are both becoming too much of a chore, they both eat to much and they both stink. To wean himself off them he’s replacing them with old women and trout.
Robert of Birchgrove has agreed to undertake anger management classes – Like a good boy he’s already been to his first meeting but stormed out saying that the guy in charge was a sh!thouse!
Colin also of Birchgrove has promised to leave those kids alone.
Jason of no fixed abode has decided to cut down on his drinking habits – he’s down to eight pints daily with lunch now. He says it’s doing him the world of good and it’s improved the quality of his evening drinking sessions.
Daf’ of Rumney says 2009 is HIS year and he WILL become Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Khan of Karachi has issued a Fatwa and said that this is the year that he will make the infidels of St. Josephs RFC pay for what they have done.
Someone has e-mailed me simply called The King and he’s said it’s high time he puts something back into the community and is to open his attic as a museum of p0rn which will have the best collection in Western Europe; this will be done as soon as he retrieves it all from under his sons’ bed. 13/12/08 - Ho Ho Ho
It’s approaching that time of year again – you know, the time when a big fat pervert goes into children’s rooms and empties his sack – no not Suki’s birthday-Christmas. Even though St Josephs is a Muslim club and the only festival we celebrate is Hanukah we can still see the merits of Christmas and why it’s a half decent time of year.
First of all you get to go on the piss for a week solid and eat five times your weight in food every day which for most of us (Jason Goodridge and Sean Egan excluded) that is quite a novelty. And then there are all the office parties in town. Let’s be fair you’d have to be as bent as Franny not to appreciate all those p!ssed birds parading around St Mary’s Street in those kinky little Santa dresses and wearing novelty antlers. (It’s the antlers that do it for me!)
Christmas day is always very special as well - it’s the only day the Queen comes on telly and stays still long enough to knock one out over. The only other time is at state funerals but to be honest when they’re on I usually get distracted and end up looking at Elton John or Prince Charles right on the vinegar stroke!! (And I still haven’t got over the guilt of accidentally glancing over at the Queen Mum at the critical stage on the last one - good job the coffin lid was closed otherwise I’d be feeling even worse!)
One of the things I don’t like at Christmas is the present buying – I just never know what to buy and always end up getting the wrong thing. I mean last year I got my mam a twelve inch black di1do, good job I kept the receipt as she wasn’t happy at all. I wasn’t to know that she already had one was I? It took me ages to wrap as well! I didn’t see anything wrong with buying a flick knife for a two year old either – but apparently “they’re not allowed to carry them around anymore.” PC gone mad if you ask me.
Mind you, the credit crunch may affect Christmas in a big way this year - Father Christmas is really feeling the pinch this year – he’s already had to lay off loads of his employees and because of this there are literally hundreds of unemployed elves around the place. Bisty was lucky - he found another job, but others haven’t been so fortunate. Rumour has it that he’s got to drive his clapped out old Fiesta on his rounds this year because times are so hard he’s had to eat Rudolph and Co. – and as we all know even that can be Deer!! Even Mother Christmas’s job was under threat, but luckily she discovered that she had a Claus in her contract!
Another staple of the festive calendar is the annual St Josephs Boxing Day match between the youth and the vets. That’s about all I know about it to be fair as I’ve either never been able/bothered to drag my arse out of bed or the City have been home. All I know is that the youth always win and last year Jimmy O’ and Walby had a scrap and Walby gave him a right pasting, no wonder he has run off to Caerphilly!! Good luck to both sides, I will again be rooting for the youth this year as they’re a lot nearer my own age. 18/10/08 - Dinner Dance 2009
There have been a few early contenders to pick up awards at the annual dinner/dance next May.
For Player of the year Wobbie Jones has made a determined early effort and is, at present, the bookies favourite to lift the coveted award. His delicate little reverse passes into thin air against Monmouth was legendary and his kicking was outstanding – unfortunately the flanker whose face he was kicking didn’t share the same opinion and, more importantly, neither did the ref!
There has been a lot of early action in the Supporters Player of the year, but an insider, who shall remain nameless (He’s the club captains old man so it wouldn’t be fair to name him), tells me that this award is open to bribery and corruption – so if you fancy a bit of silverware to parade around town after the big doo lads, best get the cheque books out!
The Coaches’ Player of the year award is also a sticky issue - quite literally in some extreme cases of desperation! (Let’s just say that my win of this award in 2006 had nothing whatsoever to do with my on field antics!!) It really should be changed to brown noser of the year- so form an orderly queue around Colin and Chinky and wait for a mad rush when the new forwards coach is appointed! (Hard luck Trigger - you were a shoe in when Coach Foley was here!!)
That brings us on to Committee man of the year, which I feel without doubt should always go to our resident Gordon Brittas look-alike Colin (leave those kids alone) Calver and in my eyes he has already won it hands down. (Col’ – I take it I’m still alright for all those international tickets am I?).
Clubman of the year is going to be a close run thing. Mark Letton’s trying his hardest and has made a promising start, but ultimately I think his downfall will be putting all this shit that I keep writing on the website and in the programme. Parky started off as a strong contender, carrying out his pad and flag duties, supporting the boys through thick and thin and looking after Bungys hippy love beads – but the lazy sod hasn’t showed up this last couple of weeks, so he really needs to start pulling his finger out! Simon Matthews was also doing well for this one but has let himself down with his touch judging skills – Jamal spent five minutes untangling blue rope from his legs after crossing the other week but he still wasn’t in touch according to the Silver Fox! That kind of dishonesty just won’t be tolerated, Mr Guishard would be disgusted!! As I said there’s a long way to go until the event a lot of money is to change hands, a lot of arses are to be licked, there’s even a bit of rugby to be played!
On a more serious note: As we’re all aware Parky has been laid low at the moment, plugged into all sorts of gadgets. Something to do with them finding blood in his alcohol stream! Get well soon Parky. We miss your superb rendition of the Banana Boat Song in the club and Don is gutted – the Stadler and Waldorf impression just doesn’t work on his own!!
( Oh yeah and a message from the Sister at Llandough – “Stop molesting my F’ing nurses - you dirty old B’stard!” )
4/10/08 - Biscuit in New York
After a long meeting ensuring Biscuit that New York wasn’t actually an apple he agreed to step onto the plane – you see, he has an irrational fear of anything fruit or vegetable related. First things first Biscuit’s name got translated into Cookie so that the Yanks would understand. (Honestly Rich I didn’t know it was also NY slang for Bumb0y!!) and a mammoth Jack Daniels fuelled session got underway in the heart of New York’s Homosexual district!
It was all going so well for Cookie – he chanced his arm with some posh Wall Street Totty (Well I s’pose they need cheering up), got himself together a crew of Homies from the Westside and had seen the breakfast menu from a diner by our hotel! (“Steak? For Breakfast? Have I died and gone to heaven?”) Then disaster struck for our hero…..
He was having a few cheeky ones in a harmless looking bar when all of a sudden it filled up with what seemed to the naked eye to be women – they had dresses on and even had padding around the chest area. The fact of the matter was it was a bunch of raving Homo Trannys!! Then, Cookie being the gentleman that he is decided to buy a young lady/man a drink, they then proceeded to go outside for a cigarette. Now this young lady/man can be best described as resembling the Cat from Red Dwarf. Other onlookers saw the ‘thing’ cooping down for a slash and it had a sixteen incher!!! What happened next only Cookie and the thing he was with will ever know, but to put it mildly- the Cat from Red Dwarf in a frock bum raped Cookie with his/her sixteen incher and relieved him of his wallet and his passport!! Cookie was distraught he’d lost his passport, $150 in cash, his drivers licence and the thing he was most concerned about – a bird he’d met in Wall Street’s phone number!! And to cap off a disastrous couple off hours he then had to persuade one of the boys not to go back and act out his ultimate fantasy and nail one of the Tranny’s (“…but I’m willing to pay extra!”) and then got chased down the road by a bunch of Hispanic gangsters whose taxi he’d nicked!! All’s well that ends well though, Cookie got sorted out with an emergency passport, the rest of the tour went swimmingly – apart from Cookie being mentally scared by the sight of one of his tour party being sick on himself whilst wetting his pants whilst stood up fully conscious in a bar, New York was well and truly had the shit hit out of it. It’s one hell of a place – but beware if you ever go there – there is a Gang operating there that prey on p!ssed young meat. A gang that wear dresses. A gang that conceal sixteen inch weapons in their pantys. This gang has a vicious leader who previously went by the name ‘The Cat’, but now he/she has a new identity- he/she is ……………… Richard McShane!! (And he’s/she’s got the documents to prove it!!) 27/9/08 - THE JOY OF DOLPHINS I feel that it is high time that I acknowledged certain rumours that have been circulating about me and my liking for sea dwelling mammals. The rumours in fact happen to be absolutely spot on and if I may, I would like to explain all about it:- I was twenty four years and fifty five months old when I first realised that I was actually attracted to Dolphins in a big way. In the past I used to get my kicks from knocking one out to films such as Fat sl@ts II – Revenge of the Salad Dodgers. Or by going to Kiwis and pulling something that resembled the back end of the number 35 bus on a bad day, but now an old episode of Flipper and a box of Kleenex will keep me entertained for hours…sorry, who am I trying to kid?.......minutes. Many people ask me what is the attraction of a Dolphin? – “but they’ve got big noses” is something I hear a lot. But my reply to that is – so has Ritchie Elliott and I’ve never met anyone who wouldn’t want to sh@g him! “But they smell of fish” is another one – but if it’s good enough for a few million lesbians, then it’s good enough for me. No, I think the main attraction is nailing something knowing full well that will be the main course later that week. (Or even just a lunchtime snack). Now I know you’re thinking, but sheep sh@gging has just lost all its fun these days. One downside of dating a creature such as a Dolphin is inevitably communication difficulties - I rang my new bit of stuff five times last week and hung up four of those times because I thought I had got through to a fax machine. Date options are also limited - I always end up going either swimming or fishing. On the plus side though there are plenty of recipes you can use salted Dolphin in. I have already started a club - DASSJ (Dolphin Appreciation Society of St Josephs). We have four members at the moment – Myself, Coach Foley, Suki and someone who would rather remain anonymous (he fears that it may tarnish his reputation as team manager) but has said that he finds their pointy noses a novelty. The club meets every Saturday in Oceana and are hoping to expand in time to go on tour to Sea World next year. New members are always welcome, but bring your own dolphin - strictly no sharing; I mean, we’re not perverts you know! |